Can I Just

Can I just...be happy?

Is that okay?

Can I just be loved

Can someone just

Choose me

Over the opinions of others?

I don't know a mother's love.

Nor a father's.

I know the love

I give myself

Not near enough.

Warm

I just want to look at you
In the low light
Of a cabin in the woods
I want to curl up in your lap
I want to bury my face in your sweater
I want to watch the steam from my hot tea
Fog up your glasses
And warm up your lips
Before I kiss them
I want to look out the window
And see evergreens
I want to listen to silence
And crackling flames
And I couldn't care less
If the world burned
Because we wouldn't matter
And that's all I want
To be completely non-existent
With you

An Analysis

When you said, "At the end of the day, you're the person I want to just crawl into bed with." I heard more than just the words that you said.

The end of the day. When the world has tired you out, when the sun goes down, when the night swallows the earth. When there's nowhere else to go.

You want me.

I.

You. Only you.

Just, crawling. Dragging yourself. When your body is so tired, but your last wish of the day is to drag yourself near to me. You would spend your last burst of energy of the day, just to be closer. To me.

Into bed. Into comfort. Into closeness.

What you didn't say, spoke so loud to me in that sentence.

What moves me the most, is your honesty. Your honest longing for me.

You make me melt.

Now

*Author's Note: I am writing this as it is happening, sitting at work, listening to the radio.

Keys and pedals

So mechanical

Make such a symphony

As the evening feels

A saxophone plays

And blue streaks

Cross my eyes

How can I swim

In a sound

The tapping of symbols

I can feel the concentration

In every note

So focused, yet

So effortless

Jazz isn't a horizontal line

It is many

Diagonal lines

The lines travel 

So quickly

But they never cross

I know how it feels

To be the breath

Traveling

Through each instrument

Paced

I could stay here

I could feel this way

Until I cease

Consumed

By uniform sound

Yellow

Today, I am yellow
I'm the feeling you get
When you hear strings
Strumming
Humming

I am yellow
That fuzzy feeling
In your chest
When you smell
Coffee brewing
Steaming

The excitement
And calm
When you draw your shades
And your skin
Reaches for sunbeams

Yellow is
My favorite color
To feel
To be

Swallow.

I want to crawl outside of the walls of my mind and  be swallowed by everything I do not understand.

Today, I Choose

When I die, everything that I ever was dies with me. And now, while I'm living, everything that I am is simply alive within my own infinity. My infinity is on a completely different timeline than any other individual's infinity. I am within the infinity of the universe, and also within the infinity of my own existence, and my existence is wavering. I could cease to exist at any moment, yet, I spend my infinity choosing to care about the thoughts and opinions of someone else, who could also cease to exist at any moment. Why do I do this? Why do I spend my time, of which I am uncertain I even have, filling my head with the concern that someone could decide that they aren't fond of what I choose to do, or think, or wear, or say, or feel.

Today, I chose to cease to exist in any other infinity outside of my own. I don't know what that means quite yet, or how my timeline shifts, or if I get a bigger or smaller infinity because of it, but what I do know; my existence isn't so unbearable anymore.