Word Porn

"Do you want to know something?"

I did. I really did. Every time she talked I clung to every syllable, and breathed in every word. The sound of her voice was a warm flame that licked my ears and warmed my brain. She had passion. It was evident. In every conversation it seeped from her. Her emotions were always surfacing intensely and my favorite past time was to listen, and drown in them. 

"Of course I do."

I never said more than a few words, I didn't want to waste any time I had with her. Nothing I could have said would ever be as captivating. I never understood what was so important, what she thought could be so interesting about what I had to say. But I cherished it. I never took for granted the blessing of getting to be in her presence and hear her speak about anything at all. 

She's always talking. And I'm forever listening. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Worth it

True adoration is a powerful thing

It turns the pathetic into beings of idolatry

Leaving impact enough to write about

Simplicity is bliss

But complications are worth living for

Flame

You set me on fire and curse me for burning.

Sometimes

Sometimes, it's loud. In my head. No matter how silent it is.
Sometimes, I'm sad, no matter how the sun shines through my window.
Sometimes, the notes just escape me, even when I'm singing my favorite song.
And sometimes, they don't love you. No matter how much you need it.

Marked

Like a wax seal

I hold together

Your words

Your thoughts

I stabilize

Yet, they only see

I am marked

By you

Your Garden

Press your roses

To my face

One last time

And

One last time

Breathe your sweet

Honeysuckle

On my skin

Plant your seeds

And trust

I am a garden

Kept well

By your hands

Come

Find healing

In my petals

Find peace

In me

Whom you care for

With great

Urgency

Metamorphosis

In my cocoon, my flesh tears. And I bleed. Muffled in silence; I sleep only to awaken as another. A reincarnation forced into one lifetime. Spread so thin, I reveal my true colors.

God

A love

No, not a love

A clarity

A peace

No, a state of love

Not a feeling

A cleansing

Clearing of the mind

No, a struggle

A treachery

A mountain

Move

And that; you do

Move me

A tree - rooted

Cannot walk

You cut me down

And give me

Purpose

Growth anew

No, a life

Owed to You

Suffocate

Root me in the ground

Bury me in the density

The heaviness of you

Challenge my lungs

To breathe your air

Burn my chest

You burden, you

Sword

A double edged sword
I wield
The weight is much
Heavy in my hands
To learn a swordsman's skill
Takes practice
Hard as I may try
To win battles over my enemies
I must be cut
And calloused
And practiced
For when the enemy comes
He will not be practicing

Mourning of a Dead Woman

I shroud my face in dark fabrics and wipe my tears away with my hand.
I am so cold, I'm numb to my own flesh.
Visitors have come and gone.
No one stays.
I mourn a dead woman
The woman I used to be.

Moth

I am but a moth
I live my life in the dark
Always drawn to the light
Only to be burned
Again and again

Depression.

You wanna know what it feels like? What it looks like? I wish I could describe it to you. But oh, then I'd be "too dramatic"

I wish you could see how it drags me down and lays on top of me with the weight of a concrete building. I wish you could feel the flames burning behind my eyes when you open your mouth and spit words on me. I wish you knew.

Oh yes, you know this demon, but he was different when you knew him.

Yeah, I'm laughing, you're right. But he's laughing too. I'm not in control anymore.

So I try to control things. The way I look. My time. I'm just a vessel.

Soon he gets bored, and tired, and hits me over the head repeatedly until I'm too exhausted to speak. So I sleep. To lose time. Hours of time.

But oh, I forgot, I'm just lazy.

You're supposed to be there for me, but I forgot that it's only when I'm okay. I'm too good to not be okay. There's no way you raised someone who ISN'T okay..

"You think you're smart! You think you're so much better than everyone! You're going to wind up alone. What are you depressed about? Maybe you should find a way to fix it. Oh my God! I know more about your demon than you do! I used to know him, before you. He must be the same and since he is the same and I overcame, so will you."

Thank you. As if I didn't already realize my weakness. My brokenness. But here I am, being attention seeking, and dramatic, and you're right, I should just "get over it".

"You don't sleep at night because you're lazy all day. You don't do anything."

"Get some friends."

"Your sister is a better person than you."

I know that.

"People who are ACTUALLY depressed don't post about it! They don't make jokes about it! They don't talk about it!"

Maybe they don't talk about it because their voices aren't heard.

My demon looks a lot like you. And no, he isn't you, and you aren't him, but God do you two look similar.

"Quit blaming your parents for who you are!"

You wanna know? What this feels like? What it looks like? So do I. It's a shape shifter. A sound, and a song, and a television commercial, and a glance out my window, and a fever, and an exhaustion, and an angry customer, and a change in tone, and a moment of silence, and a moment of chaos, and nothing, and everything, and all the time.

It's me. And I'm it. And I can't get rid of me. No matter how hard I try. So maybe I should just sleep forever.

Addict

You've never been good at giving up your addictions. Not cigarettes, and not me. But one of us kills you, and the other just gives you cancer.

Can I Just

Can I just...be happy?

Is that okay?

Can I just be loved

Can someone just

Choose me

Over the opinions of others?

I don't know a mother's love.

Nor a father's.

I know the love

I give myself

Not near enough.

Warm

I just want to look at you
In the low light
Of a cabin in the woods
I want to curl up in your lap
I want to bury my face in your sweater
I want to watch the steam from my hot tea
Fog up your glasses
And warm up your lips
Before I kiss them
I want to look out the window
And see evergreens
I want to listen to silence
And crackling flames
And I couldn't care less
If the world burned
Because we wouldn't matter
And that's all I want
To be completely non-existent
With you

An Analysis

When you said, "At the end of the day, you're the person I want to just crawl into bed with." I heard more than just the words that you said.

The end of the day. When the world has tired you out, when the sun goes down, when the night swallows the earth. When there's nowhere else to go.

You want me.

I.

You. Only you.

Just, crawling. Dragging yourself. When your body is so tired, but your last wish of the day is to drag yourself near to me. You would spend your last burst of energy of the day, just to be closer. To me.

Into bed. Into comfort. Into closeness.

What you didn't say, spoke so loud to me in that sentence.

What moves me the most, is your honesty. Your honest longing for me.

You make me melt.

Now

*Author's Note: I am writing this as it is happening, sitting at work, listening to the radio.

Keys and pedals

So mechanical

Make such a symphony

As the evening feels

A saxophone plays

And blue streaks

Cross my eyes

How can I swim

In a sound

The tapping of symbols

I can feel the concentration

In every note

So focused, yet

So effortless

Jazz isn't a horizontal line

It is many

Diagonal lines

The lines travel 

So quickly

But they never cross

I know how it feels

To be the breath

Traveling

Through each instrument

Paced

I could stay here

I could feel this way

Until I cease

Consumed

By uniform sound

Yellow

Today, I am yellow
I'm the feeling you get
When you hear strings
Strumming
Humming

I am yellow
That fuzzy feeling
In your chest
When you smell
Coffee brewing
Steaming

The excitement
And calm
When you draw your shades
And your skin
Reaches for sunbeams

Yellow is
My favorite color
To feel
To be

Swallow.

I want to crawl outside of the walls of my mind and  be swallowed by everything I do not understand.